also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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