I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
