I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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