I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
