Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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