Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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