We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
