I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
