I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
