One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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