you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
