nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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