You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
