Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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