when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
