Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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