you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You made out with two different species that night
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
