so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
