someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I showed him my bush... on skype.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
