I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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