people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
