I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
