I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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