I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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