Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
