If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
