I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
