just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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