He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
