The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
