he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
