this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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