I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize