New low: just hacked my moms facebook
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
