Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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