I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize