Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
