A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
