And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
