Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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