he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
