I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
