I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wear drunk well.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
