I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
