That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
