Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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