Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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