hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
