He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
