Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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