Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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