So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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