swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
