Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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