I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
