don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
