Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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