She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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