Do you still have your period?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize