.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You left your phone here
Wait...
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