I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
