Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
