Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize