I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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