I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If its not for food we ain't going out.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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