I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
